Last week I wrote about my upcoming juice fast, and the time is rapidly drawing nigh. I have been lax in my vegan ways the last two weeks, not totally abandoned, but not good either. Now would normally be the time I let myself give up, based on my past behavior. I would remind myself how I don't really have what it takes to make such a huge change, no will power, too easily distracted, I like eating junk food and it's just too hard to be good. Some semi-major stressor would crop up and I would heave a sigh of relief, now is not a good time for me to change, right? So, then I would drift off whatever diet/exercise program I was using and return to "normal" for me, unchecked morbid obesity and low grade depression.
I have had all those thoughts and a few major stressors over the last few months, but I'm going forward anyway. Dealing with stress and difficult situations is a regular part of my life, it's time to adjust to the new normal and stop making excuses. Besides, I'll cope a lot better when I'm healthy, I'll wager. I don't want to give up the ground I've gained due to a few stumbles and missteps. I'm not on a treadmill, nothing is drawing me backwards but my own choices. I can see the road ahead has some rough terrain, but I'm not exactly in Shangra La right now. Why not move forward and see where the journey brings me?
That brings me to my friend, food. I have been gradually mourning the loss of food. I used food to comfort me, distract me from the pain of life, as a reward for everything, and a way to bond with others. Had a bad day? Have some chocolate! Had a great day? Have some ice cream. Feeling depressed and lonely? Some chocolate chip cookies will fix that. Having company over for the first time in a while? Better whip up some comfort food and a great dessert so they feel welcomed. Food was my everything, it never let me down.
Well, I say never, I mean never in the short term. It worked as a distraction, soul band-aid, celebration, and kept me company as long as the tub of ice cream lasted. But then, I was left with the guilt, the fat and the feeling of failure. Still, I was hooked, it was too late for me. I was fat beyond saving, too weak and useless to bother saving. Statistically, I was a write off, never to be healthy again. I had been told, only 5% of people who are over fifty pounds overweight would ever be able to get back to a healthy weight and stay there. I wasn't one of the strong ones, not even close, until now.
I believe I am ready to say farewell to food, my old friend and fiend. I won't say it hasn't been fun, because it hasn't! It's time for new ways to comfort myself and celebrate with others. It's time to revel in healthy living, free from a food induced prison. It's time to run and play with my family. It's time to treat my body to some true comfort, free from constant aches and pains.
It's time. I'm ready. Let's do this!
Viva la Veggies!
Jenni
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