Why do I do that???

I can totally relate to this song.  I never fit in when I was younger, heck, I'm not even sure I fit in now!  I had a hard time making friends, I had a really hard time figuring out who I was and I had a hard time conjuring up any kind of confidence.  I made decisions that I look back on now and find unbelievable.

The part of the song where she says, "Why do I do that?" in a bewildered and exasperated whisper (at 2:47) is the part that resonates the loudest with me.  I have said this exact same thing in that exact tone of voice a million zillion times over the years.  Why do I do that???

So, now I am asking myself the hard questions.  Why do I eat that?  Why do I read that?  Why do I wear that?  Why do I act like that?  Why do I sit there like that?  Why do I sabotage myself like that?

I was reading another blog (you'll get to see later on in the week) today and I have been having an ongoing conversation with my cousin lately and it just hit me that I have had an eating disorder for about 13+ years now.  No, not the kind you usually read about like anorexia or bulimia.  I have a compulsive eating disorder.  I eat for all the reasons except the right one.  I eat because I'm bored.  I eat because I'm stressed.  I eat because I'm unhappy.  I eat because I'm tired.  You name it, I eat because of it.

I have definitely been on the right track the last couple of months in changing my habits or at least making them have less of an impact.  But I still need to work on some things.  I think the biggest and most important question above is this. Why do I sabotage myself?

I'd like to premise this next part by saying, I am not a huge fan of Dr. Phil.  I don't like most of what he says, but there are a few tidbits that struck a chord with me.  The one pertinent to this subject is, "What's the payback?"  In other words, what do I get out of being overweight and unhealthy?  Obviously there is something keeping me in this place, but what is it?  Am I afraid of something if I change?  Am I hiding behind something?  What do I get out of this?

Well folks, this is something I have been asking myself for a long time and I am no closer to the answer now than I was years ago.  I have a strong desire to be healthy and a strong desire to bring the sexy back, so what is holding me at bay?  What so I stand to lose if I lose the weight?

I think what I have to do while I am searching for the answer to these questions is push through and make it happen in spite of myself.  I have to start believing that I am worth it and start acting that way too.  What I think of myself is none of my business, right???  I can get on that treadmill and spend a half an hour everyday physically feeling my heart get stronger and my thighs get smaller, whether I want to or not.  I can open that refrigerator and then close right back up whether I want to or not.  I can be a more active participant in my life whether I want to or not.  And that, my friends is what I'm going to do.  Whether I want to or not.  Yeah.  I can do it.

Peace and Veggies,
Betsie